Struggles

So my intention of starting this blog was to make a way for friends and family to be able to follow my journey. I didn't want to post every detail on Facebook because not everyone wants to hear about my success/failures during this process. So by going a blog, you have to seek ME out instead of me filling your FB newsfeed with me me me! (Although I do post a status on FB when I've done a new blog because I've been asked to do so!) And the MAIN reason for doing this blog is for me to journal my joys, fears, successes, failures and just be transparent. It's a way for me to look back and see how far I've come and what worked - what didn't.

Well yesterday I struggled with my old thoughts coming back in regards to weightloss not being fast enough. Any time I've gone on a diet or started a weightloss routine, I've hit a 20lb wall and quit. I've been told that I quit because I was afraid of failure so I would quit instead of failing. Which is SO STUPID! I now see that quitting WAS failing. So now, I've been on these shakes since Sunday and I have lost some weight but I guess I just wanted to FEEL a difference faster. I know it's all going to happen fast once I have surgery and I'm really looking forward to that. But I just worry that my old thoughts will bring me down mentally. Thankfully, I am part of a great support group on Facebook called Windsor Weightloss Surgery Support Group. There are 260 members in the group, made up of people who have had the surgery, are going through the process of having surgery, or are family members of those who had/are having surgery. I'm very grateful that there are people who understand exactly what I'm feeling and can give me words of advice that are actually practical.

Now on to today's struggles. I am wrestling with regret. I think about the fact that in a couple of months, I could have anywhere from 10-50 pounds gone. And as awesome as that is, I could kick myself for letting myself get to the weight I am. 40 pounds ago is what I was when Roman was born. 30 pounds ago is what I was when I went to Newfoundland two summers ago. I remember thinking when I got back from Newfoundland that it was time to get the weight off because I could not let myself gain another 5 pounds. I just think that once I get 30 pounds off, I still don't want people in NL to come see me because they won't see any difference. They'll be thinking "really? I thought you said you lost 30 pounds?!" Now, I am smart enough to tell myself that I need to get over those thoughts and just move forward, stop looking back. But it's hard. I am going through this whole thing to make positive changes in my life. I just don't want what's behind me to affect what I do ahead.

So there it is! My transparency shining through! I am still really hungry every day and cranky. But it IS getting a bit easier each day. I guess I would like to give a word of advice to anyone out there contemplating on starting a weightloss routine - start NOW and don't look back. Don't allow yourself to gain that 5 pounds only to have to lose that and more later on. And Dayna Spanos, when you read this blog 2 years down the road, take this advice for yourself too!